Following on from the previous post, which I don't entirely remember if I'm honest, as it was Monday, and now we're on Thursday. That's a long time. I would say, I have a better outlook now. I still feel a bit lonely sometimes, but I'm trying to remind myself that you don't make best friends in a week. Just got off skype to my two best friends, having spoken for two hours, and it reminded me that I always have them, they're only a phone call away, and missing them doesn't mean I don't like university, it just means they're good friends. It also reminded me that it took me about a year to become that close to them, and its been seven years now and that's why we're so close. My course seems more manageable, still difficult, but something I can at least approach which is good. I do like my flatmates, they're very different to me, but that's okay. I have this slight sensation of being a little 'lost', but I think that's okay. I reckon if by Christmas, I still don't feel settled, I'll worry about it. Then of course, everyone will go home for a month and come back and be unsettled again. Then we have to start house-hunting for next year, what is this?! I do think it'll be okay, I guess I just didn't imagine I'd miss everyone as much as I do, and the first week was so busy I didn't really have time to - now I do. I am slightly tearful at times, but I've cried at sillier things. I really like the girls in my other group, and talking to some other people today I hadn't really met reminded me that everyone's friendly, and I'm just freaking myself out about it. So sleep time, LONG day tomorrow. Here's to accepting that not everything snaps into place in a week, it takes time to adjust, and I should give myself that time. Out.

Look on the Brightside

So I'm at medical school; what I've been aiming towards for a good few years. I've had a great Fresher's week - and I'm still alive. I like my flatmates, I like my room, I like my course, I've met loads of people. I don't mean to always moan, I know how amazing it is that I'm here, and I am glad to be here. That doesn't stop that it feels...off. Like something's missing. Everyone's nice, but I don't have a best friend. That's stupid, cause actually I have lots of best friends - the best friends in the entire world. They just don't happen to be at this university. Also, I've been here a week; who makes best friends in a week?! I have far too hight expectations, these things take time. I feel slightly out of it: my flatmates seem more together, I sometimes feel like I'm hovering on the edge. Only sometimes though, sometimes I feel like I fit in perfectly, and we're all laughing about Ben casually saying he could have malaria, and putting post-it notes on our window to write Flat 147. It's too much to expect everyone to come perfectly together in one week. I didn't make the friends I have now in a week. Calm down. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't homesick at all. It only really hit me tonight, I'd been too busy to consider it. Then I got this lonely feeling, and just wanted to be able to have a hug and someone make me dinner. Guess it's a it pathetic, but then again, maybe everyone had moments like this: who says it's just me? The course is so overwhelming. There is so much to learn, I got so caught up in starting a degree, that I forgot you actually have to learn something. I'm still not quite sure on the lecture from earlier, but that may be due to me being half asleep in it. Need to not do that. I ordered a histology book, and I have the anatomy one already. I do need the cell one, but everyone says not to buy it, so I might try to find it in the library. Deep down, I know it'll work out and come together, but right now...it's all a bit much, and I just want my mom. Even at eighteen. Ah well. In the interest of remaining awake during lectures tomorrow, this will be continued at a later date.

A Letter to You

Dear you, I'll be honest. I'm not going to send you this, as a letter or an email, or any other form that comes to mind. I won't even say these things to you. I don't know how writing it out will make me feel any better, but I need something to. Not that I'm a mess, I'm mostly okay. But sometimes when your name comes up on chat, or I see your bbm conversation, and I know you're not speaking to me, not thinking about me. Then I sometimes need a few minutes. I'm not saying this is your fault, I know you were honest from the start. But you weren't really fair, were you? Knowing how I felt, and still going down the 'friends with benefits' line, but calling it 'something casual'? It's not that I got the wrong idea, I was completely aware of what you meant - but it'd have been nice if you'd considered my feelings above you wanting sex. Just saying. Like you getting mad when I said I didn't trust you entirely, or when I told you not to promise you'd always be there. Cause where are you now? I was right, and as much as I like when that happens, I don't feel any better for it. I don't think you mean any harm, or are trying to hurt me - but you're doing it anyway. I don't think you should talk to me constantly, I know that you're busy and have work. So do I, remember? I'm just as stressed out as you, I just deal with it differently. No matter how much work I have, I'll always make time for my friends. And maybe that's just not your style, and I guess that's just something we disagree on. Like everything recently. Maybe that's why we're not talking much anymore - it gets to the point where I'm just too tired for another argument and I guess you feel the same. I miss what we used to be. I can't give it a name, cause you weren't just a friend, but you weren't much more. It was just nice having someone I was honest with, and could talk to, and that seemed like they were listening. I still don't think you ever understood just how much you meant to me, cause whenever I tried to explain, you'd say you felt the same; and there's no way you could have if you found it this easy to just walk away. I don't know if I'd have preferred you to tell me you were bored of me, or this gradual pulling away. At least that way I'd have known, and could have dealt with it, this still leaves me wondering if I've done something wrong, or if you'll turn around and want to be friends again. I get it, I really do. I wouldn't want to talk to me if I had other options either; but not blaming you doesn't make this any easier, it just makes me blame myself more. Did you realise that just seeing that you're online on facebook, used to make me smile, make me feel safe? God knows why, but it did. I'd have done anything for your approval, for you to call me baby, for you to give me any sort of compliment. I know how annoying it is when people dig for it, but all it meant was I wanted you to like me, so, so much. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter much. I know if I said this to you, you'd deny it, say 'sorry I've been working' - and its not that I think you're lying. Its just that it reminds me of the different places we're in. I can't forget to think about you, or to talk to you, it's just a part of me. If you don't at any point throughout a day, think about sending me a message, we're too far apart. I can't put myself through this anymore, and maybe writing it down will make me stick to it, and maybe not. Right now, I just want to get away, but if I'm honest, only far enough so you notice I'm gone. I cannot describe how much I wish you cared. Actually cared. It's okay though, I know I'm strong, I know I'll be fine. Maybe one day you'll finally realise, that I would have done anything for you. Anything. And maybe you'll regret not appreciating that, but then again, maybe you won't. No longer yours, Me

ache

I'd forgotten what making yourself throw up feels like. I did it for a while in year eight maybe, but then never did again until about half an hour ago. I forgot how much your throat aches, I get the feeling I'm doing it wrong. But I had to try cause I ate so much shit this evening. I'd done so well all day, only had a lemsip and a coffee. Then I go and eat five pieces of pizza, and a mini cupcake, and a chocolate finger and some icing. Its just wasted the entire day. So throwing it up is the only option. I can see how stupid this sounds reading it, and I know six months ago I would have been disgusted reading this, thinking what an attention seeking whiny bitch was writing it. But I swear I'm not really doing it for attention. I'm doing it for two reasons. One, its really nice to be able to control something, when I feel like everything else in my life is spinning around me and knocking me over. Two, I really want to be skinny. I know logically it wouldnt solve all my problems, it wouldnt make guys, one guy in particular, like me. It wont stop me growing away from my friends, or get me uni offers. But I just really want it, to look in the mirror and not see a huge mound of fat. To put on my jeans and find they're loose. And there isn't anything I can do about most of the things in my life, but this is something I can try. Also, surely its a good test of will power? To see how much you can avoid food, which I failed this evening. But on Monday I didn't eat anything, and tomorrow I'm going to go for that as well, then maybe Sunday I'll eat a little. The less I eat, the less I have to throw up. And I can get used to not eating, but the throwing up hurts. My throat still aches.

i need control

as cliche as it is, i feel like the only thing i can control is eating. and im starting to get pride out of being able to go longer without eating. today i had two cups of coffee and two pieces of gum until abut seven, when i had a bit of salad and a piece of chicken. like 90% of me knows its not smart but the other 10% is clinging to something it can control. english coursework is due in friday and i cannot be bothered to make the changes. biology coursework is due in next week and its so boring and i dont know what else to do. chemistry coursework looks hideous and i dont even know how to begin a six page essay on chemilumescence. my aunt whose had breast cancer twice had a check up and today she had to have a biopsy and will probably have chemo which means they wont come over at christmas, and hopefully doesnt mean they wont move over next summer. my friend slept with my ex, and i know i broke up with him, but its still only been a month and its just wierd. i think im most upset that she did it thinking i'd be mad at her and obviously not caring, and not that its an excuse but they weren't even drunk. and thats just one more thing i dont have anymore. and then listening to everyone today talk about how he was boasting about it, and how she said he was amazing and everything. it just makes me feel so isolated and alone and i hate how pathetic i sound but i cant help it. i feel like im drifting away from all my friends and i cant even bring myself to care and i know its pathetic in everyway but i just dont know what to do. and im scared to admit how dependent i am on this one guy, who isnt even remotley interested and the complications surrounding him are unbelievable. its enough to make you want to give up.

I hate people

I am having a hate people time in my life at the moment. I really just hate almost every person I come across.
Rationally, I know it's because I'm stressed over exams and UKCAT and BMAT and uni shiz etc etc, but its very hard to remember this all the time.
I'm pissed at one of my best friends, cause she's basically using various guys and stringing them along, and she's going to wind up getting hurt one day because she makes herself so easy. I think she actually likes one of them which makes it worse cause she's just ruining it for herself and then she'll moan.
My boyfriend's pissing me off just by everything he does. He got his ear pierced, I mean, what is that?! And then he said he's take it out if I hated it, which is annoying because it makes me look like a bitch and also, he shouldn't change something because I don't like it, that's just weak and irritating.
My sisters are being generally annoying as per usual.
I'm annoyed with myself because I can't stop thinking about this other guy, even though I haven't spoken to him since Tuesday because we argued, and I'm making a point. Why do I want to be friends with someone who has no interest in talking to be and sees me as a nuscience? God knows. I have a perfectly nice guy who likes me and I'm with, but no, I couldn't possibly be happy with that. And I'm just hurting myself by thinking about him, but I literally cannot stop. If you have a minute, listen to 'Need You Now' by Lady Antebellum, that literally describes almost exactly how I feel.
Basically, alone. Just really really alone all the time, and like no one cares and I don't like anyone and just alone.
Forever alone.
Bitch out.

I am a mess

Frankly, I am a mess.
There is no kinder way to put that, at the moment I am a catastrophe.
I've resorted to a blog I started like two years ago, and wrote in I believe 4 times, because I need to put something somewhere. And my twitter and tumblr have been raided by people who know me, and so whatever I post they then start asking me about it, and I am sick of having to explain myself. I don't have the energy at the moment to make this coherent and fluent and well written, so please, feel no obligation to read. It is not for the masses, it just needs to be somewhere, and not on my computer where it could be found.
I think the trigger for my current state is the fact that I am in the process of applying for medical school. I live in England, and so I'm doing this application aged seventeen, though I am in fact very nearly eighteen. Here are some scary facts.
1 in 10 applicants for medicine get a place.
0.04% of applicants get four offers.
I have selected a few, there are many more, as you will find out if you ever tell anyone you want to apply for medicine, as they will inevitably reel off ten new statistics about how impossible your chances are. This is neither helpful nor reassuring in any way.
Reading medical personal statements on-line is no help either. Every single one of the snobby twats seems to speak six different languages and have won multitudes of national prizes for being a generally amazing person. I speak one language, with a few phrases left over from GSCE French. I have no national awards. The only proof I have of being a generally amazing person is my own word. I don't imagine universities set much in store by that.
The actual application itself, including the personal statement has stressed me out significantly. Then of course, there is the small matter of having to be eligible for entrance.I have cleverly managed to pick my choices so I have to take both the UKCAT and the BMAT entrance tests. The UKCAT is a week from Thursday, and also, is impossible. The BMAT is the start of November, and happens to be the week I am supposed to be away on a compulsory Biology trip. Nice timing. Then of course, lets not forget the actual A-Levels I have to not only take, but pass, and pass well. The minimum entry offers for the schools I'm applying to are AAA. The amount of work from chemistry alone is enough to kill me.
That's my academic issues out of the way. Onto my calming personal life. Lol. As if.
I am not speaking to one of my closest friends, after last Friday night when she slept with a guy shes seeing, then came to a party and got off with two guys, and tried to sleep with one of them. Maybe I sounds like a prude, but that's just trashy. And shows a total disregard for anyone's feelings. Plus she lied to me repeatedly about various aspects of her escapades, and if I'm honest I've had enough.
The party, incidentally, was my boyfriends eighteenth. To put it bluntly, I don't like relationships. I find them time-consuming, boring and constraining. I don't know if this is something I will always feel like, or if I have yet to meet someone who makes it worthwhile. For now, I'm very sceptical about being in the relationship, and very very bored. The main reason for still being in it, is the effort it would be to break up with him.
Yes, I am a bitch.
Especially as I have this nagging sensation that I still like one of my best friends ex's who she has barely forgiven me for kissing once (not when they were going out - I'm not that bad). I cannot stop myself talking to him all the time, and especially in this state I seem to be in at the moment, he is the only person I want to talk to. I'm pretty sure he's sick of talking to me, but I also think he's too nice to tell me to fuck off. Shame, that might actually help.
My family are also succeeding in hugely pissing me off. Well done. Have a medal.

I don't have the willpower to go on with this. It is too depressing. I am thoroughly sorry.

If someone has somehow found this, and has put the pieces together and realise they know me, please delete the above from your memory and never mention it. If I have mentioned you above, depending on who you are.....SHIT.

Ah well.
Can't have it all.
Or, apparently, any of it.
Such is life.
Bitch out.