A Letter to You

Dear you, I'll be honest. I'm not going to send you this, as a letter or an email, or any other form that comes to mind. I won't even say these things to you. I don't know how writing it out will make me feel any better, but I need something to. Not that I'm a mess, I'm mostly okay. But sometimes when your name comes up on chat, or I see your bbm conversation, and I know you're not speaking to me, not thinking about me. Then I sometimes need a few minutes. I'm not saying this is your fault, I know you were honest from the start. But you weren't really fair, were you? Knowing how I felt, and still going down the 'friends with benefits' line, but calling it 'something casual'? It's not that I got the wrong idea, I was completely aware of what you meant - but it'd have been nice if you'd considered my feelings above you wanting sex. Just saying. Like you getting mad when I said I didn't trust you entirely, or when I told you not to promise you'd always be there. Cause where are you now? I was right, and as much as I like when that happens, I don't feel any better for it. I don't think you mean any harm, or are trying to hurt me - but you're doing it anyway. I don't think you should talk to me constantly, I know that you're busy and have work. So do I, remember? I'm just as stressed out as you, I just deal with it differently. No matter how much work I have, I'll always make time for my friends. And maybe that's just not your style, and I guess that's just something we disagree on. Like everything recently. Maybe that's why we're not talking much anymore - it gets to the point where I'm just too tired for another argument and I guess you feel the same. I miss what we used to be. I can't give it a name, cause you weren't just a friend, but you weren't much more. It was just nice having someone I was honest with, and could talk to, and that seemed like they were listening. I still don't think you ever understood just how much you meant to me, cause whenever I tried to explain, you'd say you felt the same; and there's no way you could have if you found it this easy to just walk away. I don't know if I'd have preferred you to tell me you were bored of me, or this gradual pulling away. At least that way I'd have known, and could have dealt with it, this still leaves me wondering if I've done something wrong, or if you'll turn around and want to be friends again. I get it, I really do. I wouldn't want to talk to me if I had other options either; but not blaming you doesn't make this any easier, it just makes me blame myself more. Did you realise that just seeing that you're online on facebook, used to make me smile, make me feel safe? God knows why, but it did. I'd have done anything for your approval, for you to call me baby, for you to give me any sort of compliment. I know how annoying it is when people dig for it, but all it meant was I wanted you to like me, so, so much. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter much. I know if I said this to you, you'd deny it, say 'sorry I've been working' - and its not that I think you're lying. Its just that it reminds me of the different places we're in. I can't forget to think about you, or to talk to you, it's just a part of me. If you don't at any point throughout a day, think about sending me a message, we're too far apart. I can't put myself through this anymore, and maybe writing it down will make me stick to it, and maybe not. Right now, I just want to get away, but if I'm honest, only far enough so you notice I'm gone. I cannot describe how much I wish you cared. Actually cared. It's okay though, I know I'm strong, I know I'll be fine. Maybe one day you'll finally realise, that I would have done anything for you. Anything. And maybe you'll regret not appreciating that, but then again, maybe you won't. No longer yours, Me