ache

I'd forgotten what making yourself throw up feels like. I did it for a while in year eight maybe, but then never did again until about half an hour ago. I forgot how much your throat aches, I get the feeling I'm doing it wrong. But I had to try cause I ate so much shit this evening. I'd done so well all day, only had a lemsip and a coffee. Then I go and eat five pieces of pizza, and a mini cupcake, and a chocolate finger and some icing. Its just wasted the entire day. So throwing it up is the only option. I can see how stupid this sounds reading it, and I know six months ago I would have been disgusted reading this, thinking what an attention seeking whiny bitch was writing it. But I swear I'm not really doing it for attention. I'm doing it for two reasons. One, its really nice to be able to control something, when I feel like everything else in my life is spinning around me and knocking me over. Two, I really want to be skinny. I know logically it wouldnt solve all my problems, it wouldnt make guys, one guy in particular, like me. It wont stop me growing away from my friends, or get me uni offers. But I just really want it, to look in the mirror and not see a huge mound of fat. To put on my jeans and find they're loose. And there isn't anything I can do about most of the things in my life, but this is something I can try. Also, surely its a good test of will power? To see how much you can avoid food, which I failed this evening. But on Monday I didn't eat anything, and tomorrow I'm going to go for that as well, then maybe Sunday I'll eat a little. The less I eat, the less I have to throw up. And I can get used to not eating, but the throwing up hurts. My throat still aches.