I am a mess

Frankly, I am a mess.
There is no kinder way to put that, at the moment I am a catastrophe.
I've resorted to a blog I started like two years ago, and wrote in I believe 4 times, because I need to put something somewhere. And my twitter and tumblr have been raided by people who know me, and so whatever I post they then start asking me about it, and I am sick of having to explain myself. I don't have the energy at the moment to make this coherent and fluent and well written, so please, feel no obligation to read. It is not for the masses, it just needs to be somewhere, and not on my computer where it could be found.
I think the trigger for my current state is the fact that I am in the process of applying for medical school. I live in England, and so I'm doing this application aged seventeen, though I am in fact very nearly eighteen. Here are some scary facts.
1 in 10 applicants for medicine get a place.
0.04% of applicants get four offers.
I have selected a few, there are many more, as you will find out if you ever tell anyone you want to apply for medicine, as they will inevitably reel off ten new statistics about how impossible your chances are. This is neither helpful nor reassuring in any way.
Reading medical personal statements on-line is no help either. Every single one of the snobby twats seems to speak six different languages and have won multitudes of national prizes for being a generally amazing person. I speak one language, with a few phrases left over from GSCE French. I have no national awards. The only proof I have of being a generally amazing person is my own word. I don't imagine universities set much in store by that.
The actual application itself, including the personal statement has stressed me out significantly. Then of course, there is the small matter of having to be eligible for entrance.I have cleverly managed to pick my choices so I have to take both the UKCAT and the BMAT entrance tests. The UKCAT is a week from Thursday, and also, is impossible. The BMAT is the start of November, and happens to be the week I am supposed to be away on a compulsory Biology trip. Nice timing. Then of course, lets not forget the actual A-Levels I have to not only take, but pass, and pass well. The minimum entry offers for the schools I'm applying to are AAA. The amount of work from chemistry alone is enough to kill me.
That's my academic issues out of the way. Onto my calming personal life. Lol. As if.
I am not speaking to one of my closest friends, after last Friday night when she slept with a guy shes seeing, then came to a party and got off with two guys, and tried to sleep with one of them. Maybe I sounds like a prude, but that's just trashy. And shows a total disregard for anyone's feelings. Plus she lied to me repeatedly about various aspects of her escapades, and if I'm honest I've had enough.
The party, incidentally, was my boyfriends eighteenth. To put it bluntly, I don't like relationships. I find them time-consuming, boring and constraining. I don't know if this is something I will always feel like, or if I have yet to meet someone who makes it worthwhile. For now, I'm very sceptical about being in the relationship, and very very bored. The main reason for still being in it, is the effort it would be to break up with him.
Yes, I am a bitch.
Especially as I have this nagging sensation that I still like one of my best friends ex's who she has barely forgiven me for kissing once (not when they were going out - I'm not that bad). I cannot stop myself talking to him all the time, and especially in this state I seem to be in at the moment, he is the only person I want to talk to. I'm pretty sure he's sick of talking to me, but I also think he's too nice to tell me to fuck off. Shame, that might actually help.
My family are also succeeding in hugely pissing me off. Well done. Have a medal.

I don't have the willpower to go on with this. It is too depressing. I am thoroughly sorry.

If someone has somehow found this, and has put the pieces together and realise they know me, please delete the above from your memory and never mention it. If I have mentioned you above, depending on who you are.....SHIT.

Ah well.
Can't have it all.
Or, apparently, any of it.
Such is life.
Bitch out.