ache

I'd forgotten what making yourself throw up feels like. I did it for a while in year eight maybe, but then never did again until about half an hour ago. I forgot how much your throat aches, I get the feeling I'm doing it wrong. But I had to try cause I ate so much shit this evening. I'd done so well all day, only had a lemsip and a coffee. Then I go and eat five pieces of pizza, and a mini cupcake, and a chocolate finger and some icing. Its just wasted the entire day. So throwing it up is the only option. I can see how stupid this sounds reading it, and I know six months ago I would have been disgusted reading this, thinking what an attention seeking whiny bitch was writing it. But I swear I'm not really doing it for attention. I'm doing it for two reasons. One, its really nice to be able to control something, when I feel like everything else in my life is spinning around me and knocking me over. Two, I really want to be skinny. I know logically it wouldnt solve all my problems, it wouldnt make guys, one guy in particular, like me. It wont stop me growing away from my friends, or get me uni offers. But I just really want it, to look in the mirror and not see a huge mound of fat. To put on my jeans and find they're loose. And there isn't anything I can do about most of the things in my life, but this is something I can try. Also, surely its a good test of will power? To see how much you can avoid food, which I failed this evening. But on Monday I didn't eat anything, and tomorrow I'm going to go for that as well, then maybe Sunday I'll eat a little. The less I eat, the less I have to throw up. And I can get used to not eating, but the throwing up hurts. My throat still aches.

i need control

as cliche as it is, i feel like the only thing i can control is eating. and im starting to get pride out of being able to go longer without eating. today i had two cups of coffee and two pieces of gum until abut seven, when i had a bit of salad and a piece of chicken. like 90% of me knows its not smart but the other 10% is clinging to something it can control. english coursework is due in friday and i cannot be bothered to make the changes. biology coursework is due in next week and its so boring and i dont know what else to do. chemistry coursework looks hideous and i dont even know how to begin a six page essay on chemilumescence. my aunt whose had breast cancer twice had a check up and today she had to have a biopsy and will probably have chemo which means they wont come over at christmas, and hopefully doesnt mean they wont move over next summer. my friend slept with my ex, and i know i broke up with him, but its still only been a month and its just wierd. i think im most upset that she did it thinking i'd be mad at her and obviously not caring, and not that its an excuse but they weren't even drunk. and thats just one more thing i dont have anymore. and then listening to everyone today talk about how he was boasting about it, and how she said he was amazing and everything. it just makes me feel so isolated and alone and i hate how pathetic i sound but i cant help it. i feel like im drifting away from all my friends and i cant even bring myself to care and i know its pathetic in everyway but i just dont know what to do. and im scared to admit how dependent i am on this one guy, who isnt even remotley interested and the complications surrounding him are unbelievable. its enough to make you want to give up.

I hate people

I am having a hate people time in my life at the moment. I really just hate almost every person I come across.
Rationally, I know it's because I'm stressed over exams and UKCAT and BMAT and uni shiz etc etc, but its very hard to remember this all the time.
I'm pissed at one of my best friends, cause she's basically using various guys and stringing them along, and she's going to wind up getting hurt one day because she makes herself so easy. I think she actually likes one of them which makes it worse cause she's just ruining it for herself and then she'll moan.
My boyfriend's pissing me off just by everything he does. He got his ear pierced, I mean, what is that?! And then he said he's take it out if I hated it, which is annoying because it makes me look like a bitch and also, he shouldn't change something because I don't like it, that's just weak and irritating.
My sisters are being generally annoying as per usual.
I'm annoyed with myself because I can't stop thinking about this other guy, even though I haven't spoken to him since Tuesday because we argued, and I'm making a point. Why do I want to be friends with someone who has no interest in talking to be and sees me as a nuscience? God knows. I have a perfectly nice guy who likes me and I'm with, but no, I couldn't possibly be happy with that. And I'm just hurting myself by thinking about him, but I literally cannot stop. If you have a minute, listen to 'Need You Now' by Lady Antebellum, that literally describes almost exactly how I feel.
Basically, alone. Just really really alone all the time, and like no one cares and I don't like anyone and just alone.
Forever alone.
Bitch out.

I am a mess

Frankly, I am a mess.
There is no kinder way to put that, at the moment I am a catastrophe.
I've resorted to a blog I started like two years ago, and wrote in I believe 4 times, because I need to put something somewhere. And my twitter and tumblr have been raided by people who know me, and so whatever I post they then start asking me about it, and I am sick of having to explain myself. I don't have the energy at the moment to make this coherent and fluent and well written, so please, feel no obligation to read. It is not for the masses, it just needs to be somewhere, and not on my computer where it could be found.
I think the trigger for my current state is the fact that I am in the process of applying for medical school. I live in England, and so I'm doing this application aged seventeen, though I am in fact very nearly eighteen. Here are some scary facts.
1 in 10 applicants for medicine get a place.
0.04% of applicants get four offers.
I have selected a few, there are many more, as you will find out if you ever tell anyone you want to apply for medicine, as they will inevitably reel off ten new statistics about how impossible your chances are. This is neither helpful nor reassuring in any way.
Reading medical personal statements on-line is no help either. Every single one of the snobby twats seems to speak six different languages and have won multitudes of national prizes for being a generally amazing person. I speak one language, with a few phrases left over from GSCE French. I have no national awards. The only proof I have of being a generally amazing person is my own word. I don't imagine universities set much in store by that.
The actual application itself, including the personal statement has stressed me out significantly. Then of course, there is the small matter of having to be eligible for entrance.I have cleverly managed to pick my choices so I have to take both the UKCAT and the BMAT entrance tests. The UKCAT is a week from Thursday, and also, is impossible. The BMAT is the start of November, and happens to be the week I am supposed to be away on a compulsory Biology trip. Nice timing. Then of course, lets not forget the actual A-Levels I have to not only take, but pass, and pass well. The minimum entry offers for the schools I'm applying to are AAA. The amount of work from chemistry alone is enough to kill me.
That's my academic issues out of the way. Onto my calming personal life. Lol. As if.
I am not speaking to one of my closest friends, after last Friday night when she slept with a guy shes seeing, then came to a party and got off with two guys, and tried to sleep with one of them. Maybe I sounds like a prude, but that's just trashy. And shows a total disregard for anyone's feelings. Plus she lied to me repeatedly about various aspects of her escapades, and if I'm honest I've had enough.
The party, incidentally, was my boyfriends eighteenth. To put it bluntly, I don't like relationships. I find them time-consuming, boring and constraining. I don't know if this is something I will always feel like, or if I have yet to meet someone who makes it worthwhile. For now, I'm very sceptical about being in the relationship, and very very bored. The main reason for still being in it, is the effort it would be to break up with him.
Yes, I am a bitch.
Especially as I have this nagging sensation that I still like one of my best friends ex's who she has barely forgiven me for kissing once (not when they were going out - I'm not that bad). I cannot stop myself talking to him all the time, and especially in this state I seem to be in at the moment, he is the only person I want to talk to. I'm pretty sure he's sick of talking to me, but I also think he's too nice to tell me to fuck off. Shame, that might actually help.
My family are also succeeding in hugely pissing me off. Well done. Have a medal.

I don't have the willpower to go on with this. It is too depressing. I am thoroughly sorry.

If someone has somehow found this, and has put the pieces together and realise they know me, please delete the above from your memory and never mention it. If I have mentioned you above, depending on who you are.....SHIT.

Ah well.
Can't have it all.
Or, apparently, any of it.
Such is life.
Bitch out.

what i want

there are so many things i want. as pathetic as it sounds, i kind of want a boyfriend. like, there isnt anyone i particulary like, and i dont want a boyfriend for the sake of it. but i want to actually like someone, and for them tolike me. just someone i can always talk to, when its late and you just want to text someone. and someone who wants to spend time with you. i mean, my friends are amazing and i love them. but i want to be someones favourite person. i want someone to randomly text me because they were thinkng of me or just because they can. and logically, i know that im so busy at the moment with college and work and friends etc, that really i dont have any time for someone else, and it would just complicate my life and i'd moan about i wished things were simple. but honestly, i like the complications. they make everything more interesting, and at the moment, despite all the excitment in my life. like driving, and looking at unis, and making new friends, going on holiday, my cousin visiting, all that stuff that a year ago i would have been so preoccupied with. now its just the usual, and i want something more.

this is hilarious, i just randomly found this from like two years ago? wow, i was so little, like fifteen :o sounds so young now.
i was just thinking, oh im on the modd to rant and write and whatever, and i usually use tumblr but i have people i know on there and i hate when people ask you stufff when you didnt intend them to see it, awkward. this seemed like a better idea.
omg, im in one of those moods where you just want to have a long heart to heart discussion with someone, one of those deep meaningful conversations that goes on all night. and yet everyones asleep, and no one will reply or anything. how sucky. so i've resorted to my own company, though i am going to go to sleep soon, because i have to revise tomorrow and im tired. oh and i might go look at cars as well and persuade my dad to buy one, not really for me its more of a family car, but im going to be able to drive it, yayyy. and i'll be able to practice more which will be awesomee. but he seems so reluctant, i think he's scared to drive with me, which is unfair because im good at driving. honest.
im terrfied about my exams though, they actually count and i dont want to have to retake them, fml so much. and universties look at retakes now, so taht makes it even worse.
and then i dont know if i still like someone, that i thought i liked, but really im not sure if i even liked them. i think i just wated to like someone and picked him? but i kind of miss liking someone, i mean ofc it complicates things and it sucks if they dont like you but at least it adds something, makes life a bit more interesting. and i kind of just want someone there for me, someone to talk to and be with. i miss that.
and i miss sleep, so im going to get some.