Following on from the previous post, which I don't entirely remember if I'm honest, as it was Monday, and now we're on Thursday. That's a long time. I would say, I have a better outlook now. I still feel a bit lonely sometimes, but I'm trying to remind myself that you don't make best friends in a week. Just got off skype to my two best friends, having spoken for two hours, and it reminded me that I always have them, they're only a phone call away, and missing them doesn't mean I don't like university, it just means they're good friends. It also reminded me that it took me about a year to become that close to them, and its been seven years now and that's why we're so close. My course seems more manageable, still difficult, but something I can at least approach which is good. I do like my flatmates, they're very different to me, but that's okay. I have this slight sensation of being a little 'lost', but I think that's okay. I reckon if by Christmas, I still don't feel settled, I'll worry about it. Then of course, everyone will go home for a month and come back and be unsettled again. Then we have to start house-hunting for next year, what is this?! I do think it'll be okay, I guess I just didn't imagine I'd miss everyone as much as I do, and the first week was so busy I didn't really have time to - now I do. I am slightly tearful at times, but I've cried at sillier things. I really like the girls in my other group, and talking to some other people today I hadn't really met reminded me that everyone's friendly, and I'm just freaking myself out about it. So sleep time, LONG day tomorrow. Here's to accepting that not everything snaps into place in a week, it takes time to adjust, and I should give myself that time. Out.

Look on the Brightside

So I'm at medical school; what I've been aiming towards for a good few years. I've had a great Fresher's week - and I'm still alive. I like my flatmates, I like my room, I like my course, I've met loads of people. I don't mean to always moan, I know how amazing it is that I'm here, and I am glad to be here. That doesn't stop that it feels...off. Like something's missing. Everyone's nice, but I don't have a best friend. That's stupid, cause actually I have lots of best friends - the best friends in the entire world. They just don't happen to be at this university. Also, I've been here a week; who makes best friends in a week?! I have far too hight expectations, these things take time. I feel slightly out of it: my flatmates seem more together, I sometimes feel like I'm hovering on the edge. Only sometimes though, sometimes I feel like I fit in perfectly, and we're all laughing about Ben casually saying he could have malaria, and putting post-it notes on our window to write Flat 147. It's too much to expect everyone to come perfectly together in one week. I didn't make the friends I have now in a week. Calm down. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't homesick at all. It only really hit me tonight, I'd been too busy to consider it. Then I got this lonely feeling, and just wanted to be able to have a hug and someone make me dinner. Guess it's a it pathetic, but then again, maybe everyone had moments like this: who says it's just me? The course is so overwhelming. There is so much to learn, I got so caught up in starting a degree, that I forgot you actually have to learn something. I'm still not quite sure on the lecture from earlier, but that may be due to me being half asleep in it. Need to not do that. I ordered a histology book, and I have the anatomy one already. I do need the cell one, but everyone says not to buy it, so I might try to find it in the library. Deep down, I know it'll work out and come together, but right now...it's all a bit much, and I just want my mom. Even at eighteen. Ah well. In the interest of remaining awake during lectures tomorrow, this will be continued at a later date.

A Letter to You

Dear you, I'll be honest. I'm not going to send you this, as a letter or an email, or any other form that comes to mind. I won't even say these things to you. I don't know how writing it out will make me feel any better, but I need something to. Not that I'm a mess, I'm mostly okay. But sometimes when your name comes up on chat, or I see your bbm conversation, and I know you're not speaking to me, not thinking about me. Then I sometimes need a few minutes. I'm not saying this is your fault, I know you were honest from the start. But you weren't really fair, were you? Knowing how I felt, and still going down the 'friends with benefits' line, but calling it 'something casual'? It's not that I got the wrong idea, I was completely aware of what you meant - but it'd have been nice if you'd considered my feelings above you wanting sex. Just saying. Like you getting mad when I said I didn't trust you entirely, or when I told you not to promise you'd always be there. Cause where are you now? I was right, and as much as I like when that happens, I don't feel any better for it. I don't think you mean any harm, or are trying to hurt me - but you're doing it anyway. I don't think you should talk to me constantly, I know that you're busy and have work. So do I, remember? I'm just as stressed out as you, I just deal with it differently. No matter how much work I have, I'll always make time for my friends. And maybe that's just not your style, and I guess that's just something we disagree on. Like everything recently. Maybe that's why we're not talking much anymore - it gets to the point where I'm just too tired for another argument and I guess you feel the same. I miss what we used to be. I can't give it a name, cause you weren't just a friend, but you weren't much more. It was just nice having someone I was honest with, and could talk to, and that seemed like they were listening. I still don't think you ever understood just how much you meant to me, cause whenever I tried to explain, you'd say you felt the same; and there's no way you could have if you found it this easy to just walk away. I don't know if I'd have preferred you to tell me you were bored of me, or this gradual pulling away. At least that way I'd have known, and could have dealt with it, this still leaves me wondering if I've done something wrong, or if you'll turn around and want to be friends again. I get it, I really do. I wouldn't want to talk to me if I had other options either; but not blaming you doesn't make this any easier, it just makes me blame myself more. Did you realise that just seeing that you're online on facebook, used to make me smile, make me feel safe? God knows why, but it did. I'd have done anything for your approval, for you to call me baby, for you to give me any sort of compliment. I know how annoying it is when people dig for it, but all it meant was I wanted you to like me, so, so much. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter much. I know if I said this to you, you'd deny it, say 'sorry I've been working' - and its not that I think you're lying. Its just that it reminds me of the different places we're in. I can't forget to think about you, or to talk to you, it's just a part of me. If you don't at any point throughout a day, think about sending me a message, we're too far apart. I can't put myself through this anymore, and maybe writing it down will make me stick to it, and maybe not. Right now, I just want to get away, but if I'm honest, only far enough so you notice I'm gone. I cannot describe how much I wish you cared. Actually cared. It's okay though, I know I'm strong, I know I'll be fine. Maybe one day you'll finally realise, that I would have done anything for you. Anything. And maybe you'll regret not appreciating that, but then again, maybe you won't. No longer yours, Me