ache

I'd forgotten what making yourself throw up feels like. I did it for a while in year eight maybe, but then never did again until about half an hour ago. I forgot how much your throat aches, I get the feeling I'm doing it wrong. But I had to try cause I ate so much shit this evening. I'd done so well all day, only had a lemsip and a coffee. Then I go and eat five pieces of pizza, and a mini cupcake, and a chocolate finger and some icing. Its just wasted the entire day. So throwing it up is the only option. I can see how stupid this sounds reading it, and I know six months ago I would have been disgusted reading this, thinking what an attention seeking whiny bitch was writing it. But I swear I'm not really doing it for attention. I'm doing it for two reasons. One, its really nice to be able to control something, when I feel like everything else in my life is spinning around me and knocking me over. Two, I really want to be skinny. I know logically it wouldnt solve all my problems, it wouldnt make guys, one guy in particular, like me. It wont stop me growing away from my friends, or get me uni offers. But I just really want it, to look in the mirror and not see a huge mound of fat. To put on my jeans and find they're loose. And there isn't anything I can do about most of the things in my life, but this is something I can try. Also, surely its a good test of will power? To see how much you can avoid food, which I failed this evening. But on Monday I didn't eat anything, and tomorrow I'm going to go for that as well, then maybe Sunday I'll eat a little. The less I eat, the less I have to throw up. And I can get used to not eating, but the throwing up hurts. My throat still aches.

i need control

as cliche as it is, i feel like the only thing i can control is eating. and im starting to get pride out of being able to go longer without eating. today i had two cups of coffee and two pieces of gum until abut seven, when i had a bit of salad and a piece of chicken. like 90% of me knows its not smart but the other 10% is clinging to something it can control. english coursework is due in friday and i cannot be bothered to make the changes. biology coursework is due in next week and its so boring and i dont know what else to do. chemistry coursework looks hideous and i dont even know how to begin a six page essay on chemilumescence. my aunt whose had breast cancer twice had a check up and today she had to have a biopsy and will probably have chemo which means they wont come over at christmas, and hopefully doesnt mean they wont move over next summer. my friend slept with my ex, and i know i broke up with him, but its still only been a month and its just wierd. i think im most upset that she did it thinking i'd be mad at her and obviously not caring, and not that its an excuse but they weren't even drunk. and thats just one more thing i dont have anymore. and then listening to everyone today talk about how he was boasting about it, and how she said he was amazing and everything. it just makes me feel so isolated and alone and i hate how pathetic i sound but i cant help it. i feel like im drifting away from all my friends and i cant even bring myself to care and i know its pathetic in everyway but i just dont know what to do. and im scared to admit how dependent i am on this one guy, who isnt even remotley interested and the complications surrounding him are unbelievable. its enough to make you want to give up.