I hate people

I am having a hate people time in my life at the moment. I really just hate almost every person I come across.
Rationally, I know it's because I'm stressed over exams and UKCAT and BMAT and uni shiz etc etc, but its very hard to remember this all the time.
I'm pissed at one of my best friends, cause she's basically using various guys and stringing them along, and she's going to wind up getting hurt one day because she makes herself so easy. I think she actually likes one of them which makes it worse cause she's just ruining it for herself and then she'll moan.
My boyfriend's pissing me off just by everything he does. He got his ear pierced, I mean, what is that?! And then he said he's take it out if I hated it, which is annoying because it makes me look like a bitch and also, he shouldn't change something because I don't like it, that's just weak and irritating.
My sisters are being generally annoying as per usual.
I'm annoyed with myself because I can't stop thinking about this other guy, even though I haven't spoken to him since Tuesday because we argued, and I'm making a point. Why do I want to be friends with someone who has no interest in talking to be and sees me as a nuscience? God knows. I have a perfectly nice guy who likes me and I'm with, but no, I couldn't possibly be happy with that. And I'm just hurting myself by thinking about him, but I literally cannot stop. If you have a minute, listen to 'Need You Now' by Lady Antebellum, that literally describes almost exactly how I feel.
Basically, alone. Just really really alone all the time, and like no one cares and I don't like anyone and just alone.
Forever alone.
Bitch out.

I am a mess

Frankly, I am a mess.
There is no kinder way to put that, at the moment I am a catastrophe.
I've resorted to a blog I started like two years ago, and wrote in I believe 4 times, because I need to put something somewhere. And my twitter and tumblr have been raided by people who know me, and so whatever I post they then start asking me about it, and I am sick of having to explain myself. I don't have the energy at the moment to make this coherent and fluent and well written, so please, feel no obligation to read. It is not for the masses, it just needs to be somewhere, and not on my computer where it could be found.
I think the trigger for my current state is the fact that I am in the process of applying for medical school. I live in England, and so I'm doing this application aged seventeen, though I am in fact very nearly eighteen. Here are some scary facts.
1 in 10 applicants for medicine get a place.
0.04% of applicants get four offers.
I have selected a few, there are many more, as you will find out if you ever tell anyone you want to apply for medicine, as they will inevitably reel off ten new statistics about how impossible your chances are. This is neither helpful nor reassuring in any way.
Reading medical personal statements on-line is no help either. Every single one of the snobby twats seems to speak six different languages and have won multitudes of national prizes for being a generally amazing person. I speak one language, with a few phrases left over from GSCE French. I have no national awards. The only proof I have of being a generally amazing person is my own word. I don't imagine universities set much in store by that.
The actual application itself, including the personal statement has stressed me out significantly. Then of course, there is the small matter of having to be eligible for entrance.I have cleverly managed to pick my choices so I have to take both the UKCAT and the BMAT entrance tests. The UKCAT is a week from Thursday, and also, is impossible. The BMAT is the start of November, and happens to be the week I am supposed to be away on a compulsory Biology trip. Nice timing. Then of course, lets not forget the actual A-Levels I have to not only take, but pass, and pass well. The minimum entry offers for the schools I'm applying to are AAA. The amount of work from chemistry alone is enough to kill me.
That's my academic issues out of the way. Onto my calming personal life. Lol. As if.
I am not speaking to one of my closest friends, after last Friday night when she slept with a guy shes seeing, then came to a party and got off with two guys, and tried to sleep with one of them. Maybe I sounds like a prude, but that's just trashy. And shows a total disregard for anyone's feelings. Plus she lied to me repeatedly about various aspects of her escapades, and if I'm honest I've had enough.
The party, incidentally, was my boyfriends eighteenth. To put it bluntly, I don't like relationships. I find them time-consuming, boring and constraining. I don't know if this is something I will always feel like, or if I have yet to meet someone who makes it worthwhile. For now, I'm very sceptical about being in the relationship, and very very bored. The main reason for still being in it, is the effort it would be to break up with him.
Yes, I am a bitch.
Especially as I have this nagging sensation that I still like one of my best friends ex's who she has barely forgiven me for kissing once (not when they were going out - I'm not that bad). I cannot stop myself talking to him all the time, and especially in this state I seem to be in at the moment, he is the only person I want to talk to. I'm pretty sure he's sick of talking to me, but I also think he's too nice to tell me to fuck off. Shame, that might actually help.
My family are also succeeding in hugely pissing me off. Well done. Have a medal.

I don't have the willpower to go on with this. It is too depressing. I am thoroughly sorry.

If someone has somehow found this, and has put the pieces together and realise they know me, please delete the above from your memory and never mention it. If I have mentioned you above, depending on who you are.....SHIT.

Ah well.
Can't have it all.
Or, apparently, any of it.
Such is life.
Bitch out.

what i want

there are so many things i want. as pathetic as it sounds, i kind of want a boyfriend. like, there isnt anyone i particulary like, and i dont want a boyfriend for the sake of it. but i want to actually like someone, and for them tolike me. just someone i can always talk to, when its late and you just want to text someone. and someone who wants to spend time with you. i mean, my friends are amazing and i love them. but i want to be someones favourite person. i want someone to randomly text me because they were thinkng of me or just because they can. and logically, i know that im so busy at the moment with college and work and friends etc, that really i dont have any time for someone else, and it would just complicate my life and i'd moan about i wished things were simple. but honestly, i like the complications. they make everything more interesting, and at the moment, despite all the excitment in my life. like driving, and looking at unis, and making new friends, going on holiday, my cousin visiting, all that stuff that a year ago i would have been so preoccupied with. now its just the usual, and i want something more.

this is hilarious, i just randomly found this from like two years ago? wow, i was so little, like fifteen :o sounds so young now.
i was just thinking, oh im on the modd to rant and write and whatever, and i usually use tumblr but i have people i know on there and i hate when people ask you stufff when you didnt intend them to see it, awkward. this seemed like a better idea.
omg, im in one of those moods where you just want to have a long heart to heart discussion with someone, one of those deep meaningful conversations that goes on all night. and yet everyones asleep, and no one will reply or anything. how sucky. so i've resorted to my own company, though i am going to go to sleep soon, because i have to revise tomorrow and im tired. oh and i might go look at cars as well and persuade my dad to buy one, not really for me its more of a family car, but im going to be able to drive it, yayyy. and i'll be able to practice more which will be awesomee. but he seems so reluctant, i think he's scared to drive with me, which is unfair because im good at driving. honest.
im terrfied about my exams though, they actually count and i dont want to have to retake them, fml so much. and universties look at retakes now, so taht makes it even worse.
and then i dont know if i still like someone, that i thought i liked, but really im not sure if i even liked them. i think i just wated to like someone and picked him? but i kind of miss liking someone, i mean ofc it complicates things and it sucks if they dont like you but at least it adds something, makes life a bit more interesting. and i kind of just want someone there for me, someone to talk to and be with. i miss that.
and i miss sleep, so im going to get some.

Trains

So, total change from my last blog. Thought I'd talk about something other than myself. Yeah, I know, you're all distraught. So, I was on a train to London the other day, which is about a 40 minute journey for me, and when I get on the carriage is pretty much empty, maybe 6 people total. But, by the time we got to Waterloo, the entire carriage, and I imagine the entire train, was crammed with people, every available seat was taken and there were a lot of people standing. Now, I had my Ipod in for most of the journey so it wasn't until the last two or three stops, when I stopped the music, that i realised something. Silence. The only sounds were the occasional flick of a page or the overhead voice announcing stops. Now, if your a frequent traveller, this may sound normal to you, but since I don't often take train journeys on my own, it really stood out. I mean, there were at least 40 people crammed in that space, which to be honest, wasn't huge, and not a single one was talking. So, I started wondering, why? I mean, I'm not saying swop emails with everyone you ever meet on a train, and I'm not saying you'll meet your best friends on a train. But, would it hurt to say hello to your fellow commuters? Tell someone you like their scarf? Recommend a book similar to the one they're reading if you know it? Even just exchange pleasantries? I mean, some people spend hours commuting, and why not fill it with conversation, even intellectual debates? It can't hurt your brain to process some thoughts, in fact it probably helps prepare you for a day of work or whatever your doing. So, just a thought, next time your in a silent train, be the brave one, say hello to someone. Pick carefully though, choose someone who doesn't have headphones in, doesn't seem to be deep into a book, and someone who just generally looks nice. Whats the worst that can happen? They ignore you, they tell you to leave them alone? Or you make your journey more interesting, and maybe brighten their day. Think about it. Love and Laughter to you all. ox.

So, this is a blog?

Right, so this is a blog?
No, I'm not stupid, of course I know what a blog is, I've just never used one before thank you very much. Kind of an odd feeling, like talking to yourself, except someone else can read it. Intersting. Not in a bad way though, I mean, I'm going to get less odd looks from typing then for talking to myself. Though no one's really surprised anymore, they just accept it and move on. Okay, so I guess I needa topic if I'm just going to randomly type to myself for a while. Okay, so I'll start with my friends. First thing that has to be said: my friends are amazing. No questions asked. I'm not saying this because they're going to read this, I really hope they'll never find it to be honest. Not that I'm spilling any huge secrets, it's just nice to have some space. So yeah, amazing. Yes, they can piss me off but they're always there for me and I know how lucky I am to have people I can rely on. So, my two best friends (who for now i will call Lucy & Hannah) which are not their real names. Lucy is quiet, to an extent, and shy but again not all the time. She is supportive, and good for advice and always there to talk or moan or just cry. She can get hysterical and she is totally obsessed with shopping, but that just makes her her. Hannah, on the other hand, is loud, crazy and funny. She has the strangest sense of humour, is kind of violent and it is never awkward with her. She in an awesome individual, has her own fashion sense, and I love her hair. She texts all the time, has a cool bedroom, and is always there when I just need to collapse. My other friends are also great, but to be perfectly honest those two are the only ones I totally trust. Its nothing against any of the others, I just trust very few people. Most of my other friends are boys though, like when we go out to the cinema or something, its basically the three girls then from 3 to 10 boys. It makes us sound like slags but honestly, we're just friends, and we didn't mean to make it this way. The idea that boys are good to hang out with because they don't bitch however, yeah, thats crap. The boys I know bitch about each other at least much as girls do, if not more. But that's a story for another time. So, I think I'll wrap this up for a while then, but I have nothing to do tonight so I might well be back. If your reading this, then I hope you didn't die of bordeom, and if I'm doing this wrong then I'm sorry, but it's just me. A portion of my life and if you'd like more let me know. Love and Laughter to you all ox.